Music is one thing that has the most control over a persons life. One lyric and you’re enjoying yourself and the other you’re breaking down. Especially, love songs. The sad ones make you not want to ever be in love. They make the concept of love sound like the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to you. Then again, theres the happy ones. The ones that make you crave it again. That make you want someone to hold you and tell you they love you and that you’re the one that makes their day. That make you want to feel love again. It’s like an addiction. You don’t know what its like to want it until you try it for the first time. The first time you fall in love, it changes you. It makes you experience things you never thought you could possibly feel. And once it breaks you and you fall out of it, sooner or later, you wan’t it again, you want the security and the comfort love brings. You want the love. And now, you will not settle for anything less. Because you cant bear to take any more heartbreak.
Mirror, mirror mounted on the wall,
Which mind of this face will appear to all,
This multi-faceted mind of power,
With the abilities to change from hour to hour.
The anxious, distorted mind of a ravenous pig,
Whose lies and deceptions are so out of control,
To get all it desires; to eat, slurp, and gorge itself full,
What a repulsive, gross, disgusting, gluttonous pig.
My guilty mind is not far to follow,
I must get to a bathroom, bucket or bag,
And purge, rinse and purge, until I’m empty and hollow,
Getting instant relief with a high to follow.
Sadness and depression, so heavy, so suffocating,
Bring tears of self pity, hopelessness and despair,
Never ending depression brings on pain so excruciating,
That thoughts of death and dying seem the only solution.
The happiness and giddiness lighten my load,
Until the inappropriate giggles begin to errode,
The happiness I felt begins to fade away,
Replaced with anxieties that my sanity may stray.
The anger, the rage, hit me square in the face,
A rage so intense, that I’m boiling mad, shaking and seething,
It’s spilling out of me as fast as it’s being replaced,
A rage like this I’ve never felt; a need to yell back, would be so relieving.
The reality sets in, that these moods just aren’t right,
Am I losing control of my sanity, along with this plight,
The inappropriate giggling and quick changing moods,
The depression and the powerful need to die, forces me back into solitude.
I’m actually being literal, I know. “Nothing to see here”. But I’m just in that mode again, the unstable state of mind of where I am in life. It’s not about what happened to me. More like, ‘who am I, really?’ kind of mind.
Surrounded by all that I pleased
I sat facing the sea,
Wind swept through me,
Leaving so much to be…
Thoughts tumbled in my mind when life was busy playing its part.
Thinking that time flies,
It was already seven from five.
Days are just passing so quickly,
You don’t even come to know and it’s another morning lately…
Exactly a year ago same time, same place I was with the one I thought I’d spent my life with & today I don’t exist for that “so to be very special kith”. Life has changed drastically all this while.
Thinking about all that gives me a ride. So many promises broken, so many memories left to be cherished… deep in my heart locked in a corner.
Trying to be so happy and cheerful outside, I was that girl in my own little world of thoughts. Trying to find my own identity in this busy world. I came across this thought(in punjabi) which cleared every doubt leaving behind that satisfaction, long awaited.
” Teri kismat da likha tere to koi kho nai sakda, Je usdi meher hove te tenu o v mil jae, jo tera ho nai sakda”
This means, nobody can change what you have in your destiny, in god’s grace, you get even what is not in your share. Believe in him and the impossible can also be possible.
All the thoughts which tumbled through all day long came to an end, as I decided not to think over all this again. I know gods with me and maybe this was a message from him. With a positive thought I start my day, hoping there’s everything good all way.
Its a new start, a new beginning. 🙂
There are mind wars that happen when you get stuck into the past and wish you could go back because it seems so much better than the present. Then there’s those where the present looks so amazing that all you want to do is forget the past. But you know whats the worst case scenario you could be in? When you’re just not sure if the present or the past is the better one. You’re so confused whether the pain back then was worse than the pain right now. Whether everything you’ve been through, hoping things would be better, has actually resulted in something good or is it the death of the hope that you stood by. THAT is one of the toughest things that could happen to you.