Music is one thing that has the most control over a persons life. One lyric and you’re enjoying yourself and the other you’re breaking down. Especially, love songs. The sad ones make you not want to ever be in love. They make the concept of love sound like the worst thing that could possibly ever happen to you. Then again, theres the happy ones. The ones that make you crave it again. That make you want someone to hold you and tell you they love you and that you’re the one that makes their day. That make you want to feel love again. It’s like an addiction. You don’t know what its like to want it until you try it for the first time. The first time you fall in love, it changes you. It makes you experience things you never thought you could possibly feel. And once it breaks you and you fall out of it, sooner or later, you wan’t it again, you want the security and the comfort love brings. You want the love. And now, you will not settle for anything less. Because you cant bear to take any more heartbreak.
…It all seems like a blank page…. an empty canvass….a black place- dark and scary! Nobody’s around. I can shout to my heart’s content and no one can hear me- my pleas, sentiments, my non sense tell tales even. Suddenly, it dawned on me, I am alone, confused, terrified, and questioning- Am I supposed to be here? Do I belong on this bare pavement? Don’t I deserve soothing much better? A lot of thoughts are running in my head, contrary to the hollow tarmac that I am in. The silence is deafening but reassuring, and finding safety in my solitude…
Funny how comforted I am by writing melodramatic and dark posts, like I am someone emotional and troubled young girl in her teens! These are just exaggerations of my tormented heart and disappointments on life’s tragic turnarounds, and a by-product of my mind’s flare for thought provoking embellishments of words and circumstances.
Well, actually, I am just a plain drama queen!
Truth be told, my darkest hours are probably about frustrations on dreams yet undone, promises broken, caving and frightened on something immaterial and perhaps because of my uber analysis and pessimistic imagination of “what-ifs”, whining on my life’s stony road and feeling lost, hating my life-style (literally not) and the fact that I don’t bloody know what to do with my life (read: not being the person I want to be) at sixteen! (too young!)
Comparing your life with somebody is possibly not a good idea, but having a benchmark is for me a great push from being plain mediocre to be somebody who can make a difference. To leave a good legacy is probably what we all aim to accomplish in this world. And I believe not everybody is given the privilege. And I refuse to be not included on the few fortunate list. Thus the reason why I am so effing dying to do something epic in life- and start it by making all my dreams come true (that is getting out of this place!). It all seems so easy, you think? Bloody no! Even a mere grasp is still beyond my reach!
…And so as the sound of the leaves swaying and the kiss of the cold wind wakes up my senses, and brought me back to reality, I am slowly consumed with thoughts of bitter truths of how life easily come and go. Looking through an almost empty street overlooking my window made me realize of how one person and one incident can easily leave us hanging- without a warning, and there’s no way going back but move forward….
Definitely I believe, we are shaped and are defined by our choices. My shallowness towards life can be irritating and non sense to many, but it echos my easy-going-attitude in appreciating even the most trivial and superficial things in life. Perhaps depressing over the past is too petty to be troubling when there are other more serious problems at hand, but the gist of this- which not many may understand- is breaking free from the grave events and circumstances in this world. Life in itself is already a serious business, and redundancy in dealing with it can be mortifying, so let’s choose the other way around. As I said, one wrong, clouded decision can change our lives forever. Nobody said, it’s going to be a walk in the park nor a stormy path, but dancing in the rain. The key is how you choose to react when things don’t go as expected.
…Rain started to fall, and the maddening silence was filled with drizzles and whoosh breeze. From afar, I can hear girls screaming and running in the rain. My seclusion and deep thoughts have been invaded. And as the rain came in a jiffy, so is its abrupt stop! Indeed a close metaphor to life’s uncanny certainties. There is no use denying, isolation is my best friend, and melancholia is my sedative. I am safest in my own little world, and my burgeoning thoughts, my comfort zone…
As another day has come an end, so are the negative feelings and unpleasant memories, which now belonged to the past. We may have stumbled and fall, yet what’s important is how we came out strong and courageous after it. Yes, life is about dancing in the rain. Whatever’s the tune, enjoying every sway is what matters the most. And it’s totally not bad to be moving like jaggers!
Indeed, I am always lost with my thoughts, and perhaps trapped in this place- for now, yet I still firmly believe, I am free and liberated in many ways! Freedom can be overrated. But whatever it is, being able to run easily, go crazy, and do things I deem want defines exactly what independence and liberty is all about. It’s priceless and essential. (Thankfully)
Laughing at life’s ironies. Undeniably, bittersweet.
That’s a good question. As I listen to my music when I’m alone– my mind wonders elsewhere. That’s….normal for virtually everyone. So what’s holding me back from moving on? What I think it is, (that I’ve come to realise), is that I dwell….And once I start dwelling, it becomes a step-backwards because it’s hard to accept. Despite the fact that I am over the person, I haven’t accepted the fact that that’s what had happened to me. I always get flabbergasted at the thought of what happened…. and silly me, blames herself.
The position or state of being engrossed in a memory of the past. To live in a certain situation. Isolated as a lingerer, and subjectively proven to be difficult to get out of. That’s what I tend to do when I’m in my own world. Remembering the past. Going through what happened. What could’ve happened. What didn’t happen. And what was hoped to happen. Once you get into that state of mind, all hell breaks loose.
Negativity comes to play. Doubt. Confusion. Anger. This puts you in a position difficult to accept.
The attitude of identifying the situation and acknowledging it despite whether it was wrong or right, bad or good. That’s something that will indeed take me to the next step of moving on.
So what have I done so far to help fuel my confidence to move on?
I’ve removed all record of photos and archived to a space where I wouldn’t access. I’ve started meeting new people, hanging out with new friends, trying to keep myself busy and what not. So far so good?
In a nutshell, yes. Outside the nutshell in essence, makes me vulnerable. The unknown world of dwelling and absence of acceptance.
But the hardest thing to erase, is the memory itself. Actually, I don’t think it can be erased. A memory is a memory. If I was a computer I’d reformat myself. But it just doesn’t work that way lol.
So really, acceptance is the key. That then becomes the pinnacle moment of who I will become. In the end, it really is all down to me! I can either accept myself with a negative or positive attitude, or accept the reality of this world. And what’s that reality? Well, lets look into that another day…
There are mind wars that happen when you get stuck into the past and wish you could go back because it seems so much better than the present. Then there’s those where the present looks so amazing that all you want to do is forget the past. But you know whats the worst case scenario you could be in? When you’re just not sure if the present or the past is the better one. You’re so confused whether the pain back then was worse than the pain right now. Whether everything you’ve been through, hoping things would be better, has actually resulted in something good or is it the death of the hope that you stood by. THAT is one of the toughest things that could happen to you.