Incarceration

I can feel the burning inside my stomach
As it thrives each coming day
Because everyday their screams become louder
When I can no longer endure to be the prey

I close my eyes tight
Seeing the pictures that I refuse to let out
They are like a scar forever residing in my mind.
But I cannot open my eyes for fear these creatures will doubt.

The shrieks of help does not cease
As I try and block out their scarring sounds
From my no longer innocent mind
That knows no longer any bounds

The fulfilment never comes
As I descend into my desires
Only when I seize to dream a life of independence
Do I see myself reaching those aspires

But is it this affliction
That leads me to my depression
Or is it those unforgotten memories
Which has forced me to my incarceration?

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…but i want you to stay.

 

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Dear heart, its him…
Why him?

I over-think everything!

From how long it takes you to text back, to the song you like, to the things you do.
It worries me how much I like you,
It worries me that you don’t like me as much as I like you.

I’m losing my appetite and losing sleep.

I stay up all night thinking of perfect scenarios. And try to scrutinise every dip and curve of our good, not-so-good, bad, really bad kind of conversations.

You make me happier than I ever thought I could be,
And I’m also scared that I ever thought I could be.
It’s unreal.
Coudn’t you make it more chaotic, more bewildering?
.
.
.
Or Could you just hold my hand and tell me that everything is forever?
And be mine.?

And stop…  being confused!

Why am I so hard on myself?

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Confused… Lost.!

I felt a little lost entering 2013,
the same amount of lost I felt leaving 2012.
I just don’t get it, this thing called life.

I thought I was getting it.
But it still eludes me.
Maybe just a little disillusioned.

I seek truth.
To fight lies that always seems to threaten my mind.
But there still seems to be two voices.
There are always two voices.
And I hate that I always end up in that awkward middle ground.

Maybe this is everyone’s struggle.
Thinking we’re getting better,
Till something comes and knocks us down again.
Most of the time though,
I think, that something is me.
There is no one else to blame.

Trapped – Laughing At Life’s Ironies. Undeniably, bittersweet.

…It all seems like a blank page…. an empty canvass….a black place- dark and scary! Nobody’s around. I can shout to my heart’s content and no one can hear me- my pleas, sentiments, my non sense tell tales even. Suddenly, it dawned on me, I am alone, confused, terrified, and questioning- Am I supposed to be here? Do I belong on this bare pavement? Don’t I deserve soothing much better? A lot of thoughts are running in my head, contrary to the hollow tarmac that I am in. The silence is deafening but reassuring, and finding safety in my solitude…

Funny how comforted I am by writing melodramatic and dark posts, like I am someone emotional and troubled young girl in her teens! These are just exaggerations of my tormented heart and disappointments on life’s tragic turnarounds, and a by-product of my mind’s flare for thought provoking embellishments of words and circumstances.

Well, actually, I am just a plain drama queen!

Truth be told, my darkest hours are probably about frustrations on dreams yet undone, promises broken, caving and frightened on something immaterial and perhaps because of my uber analysis and pessimistic imagination of “what-ifs”, whining on my life’s stony road and feeling lost, hating my life-style (literally not) and the fact that I don’t bloody know what to do with my life (read: not being the person I want to be) at sixteen! (too young!)

Comparing your life with somebody is possibly not a good idea, but having a benchmark is for me a great push from being plain mediocre to be somebody who can make a difference. To leave a good legacy is probably what we all aim to accomplish in this world. And I believe not everybody is given the privilege. And I refuse to be not included on the few fortunate list. Thus the reason why I am so effing dying to do something epic in life- and start it by making all my dreams come true (that is getting out of this place!). It all seems so easy, you think? Bloody no! Even a mere grasp is still beyond my reach!

…And so as the sound of the leaves swaying and the kiss of the cold wind wakes up my senses, and brought me back to reality, I am slowly consumed with thoughts of bitter truths of how life easily come and go. Looking through an almost empty street overlooking my window made me realize of how one person and one incident can easily leave us hanging- without a warning, and there’s no way going back but move forward….

 Definitely I believe, we are shaped and are defined by our choices. My shallowness towards life can be irritating and non sense to many, but it echos my easy-going-attitude in appreciating even the most trivial and superficial things in life. Perhaps depressing over the past is too petty to be troubling when there are other more serious problems at hand, but the gist of this- which not many may understand- is breaking free from the grave events and circumstances in this world. Life in itself is already a serious business, and redundancy in dealing with it can be mortifying, so let’s choose the other way around. As I said, one wrong, clouded decision can change our lives forever. Nobody said, it’s going to be a walk in the park nor a stormy path, but dancing in the rain. The key is how you choose to react when things don’t go as expected.

 …Rain started to fall, and the maddening silence was filled with drizzles and whoosh breeze. From afar, I can hear girls screaming and running in the rain. My seclusion and deep thoughts have been invaded. And as the rain came in a jiffy, so is its abrupt stop! Indeed a close metaphor to life’s uncanny certainties. There is no use denying, isolation is my best friend, and melancholia is my sedative. I am safest in my own little world, and my burgeoning thoughts, my comfort zone…

As another day has come an end, so are the negative feelings and unpleasant memories, which now belonged to the past. We may have stumbled and fall, yet what’s important is how we came out strong and courageous after it. Yes, life is about dancing in the rain. Whatever’s the tune, enjoying every sway is what matters the most. And it’s totally not bad to be moving like jaggers!

Indeed, I am always lost with my thoughts, and perhaps trapped in this place- for now, yet I still firmly believe, I am free and liberated in many ways! Freedom can be overrated. But whatever it is, being able to run easily, go crazy, and do things I deem want defines exactly what independence and liberty is all about. It’s priceless and essential. (Thankfully)

Laughing at life’s ironies. Undeniably, bittersweet.

Mood Swings…

Mirror, mirror mounted on the wall,

Which mind of this face will appear to all,

This multi-faceted mind of power,

With  the abilities to change from hour to hour.

The anxious, distorted mind of a ravenous pig,

Whose lies and deceptions are so out of control,

To get all it desires; to eat, slurp, and gorge itself full,

What a repulsive, gross, disgusting, gluttonous pig.

My guilty mind is not far to follow,

I must get to a bathroom, bucket or bag,

And purge, rinse and purge, until I’m empty and hollow,

Getting instant relief with a high to follow.

Sadness and depression, so heavy, so suffocating,

Bring tears of self pity, hopelessness and despair,

Never ending depression brings on pain so excruciating,

That thoughts of death and dying seem the only solution.

The happiness and giddiness lighten my load,

Until the inappropriate giggles begin to errode,

The happiness I felt begins to fade away,

Replaced with anxieties that my sanity may stray.

The anger, the rage, hit me square in the face,

A rage so intense, that I’m boiling mad, shaking and seething,

It’s spilling out of me as fast as it’s being replaced,

A rage like this I’ve never felt; a need to yell back, would be so relieving.

The reality sets in, that these moods just aren’t right,

Am I losing control of my sanity, along with this plight,

The inappropriate giggling and quick changing moods,

The depression and the powerful need to die, forces me back into solitude.