Those nights when you just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and try to make sense of it all. You try to figure out why certain things in your life happen and if there really is some greater scheme at the end of this all. Some kind of plan that has been put into place, and all the good and bad experiences that happen are simply meant to bring you closer to that end goal. Is it that? Or is life just purely coincidental and accidental? Yup it’s one of those nights.
“Just because you miss someone, doesn’t mean you need them back in your life. Missing is just a part of moving on…”
You’ve got it all wrong. You didn’t come here to master unconditional love. That is where you came from and where you’ll return. You came here to learn personal love. Universal love. Messy love. Sweaty love. Crazy love. Broken love. Whole love. Infused with divinity. Lived through the grace of stumbling. Demonstrated through the beauty of… messing up. Often. You didn’t come here to be perfect. You already are. You came here to be gorgeously human. Flawed and fabulous. And then to rise again into remembering. But unconditional love? Stop telling that story. Love, in truth, doesn’t need ANY other adjectives. It doesn’t require modifiers. It doesn’t require the condition of perfection. It only asks that you show up. And do your best. That you stay present and feel fully. That you shine and fly and laugh and cry and hurt and heal and fall and get back up and play and work and live and die as YOU. It’s enough. It’s Plenty.”
“Life is good, sometimes I forget.”
…It all seems like a blank page…. an empty canvass….a black place- dark and scary! Nobody’s around. I can shout to my heart’s content and no one can hear me- my pleas, sentiments, my non sense tell tales even. Suddenly, it dawned on me, I am alone, confused, terrified, and questioning- Am I supposed to be here? Do I belong on this bare pavement? Don’t I deserve soothing much better? A lot of thoughts are running in my head, contrary to the hollow tarmac that I am in. The silence is deafening but reassuring, and finding safety in my solitude…
Funny how comforted I am by writing melodramatic and dark posts, like I am someone emotional and troubled young girl in her teens! These are just exaggerations of my tormented heart and disappointments on life’s tragic turnarounds, and a by-product of my mind’s flare for thought provoking embellishments of words and circumstances.
Well, actually, I am just a plain drama queen!
Truth be told, my darkest hours are probably about frustrations on dreams yet undone, promises broken, caving and frightened on something immaterial and perhaps because of my uber analysis and pessimistic imagination of “what-ifs”, whining on my life’s stony road and feeling lost, hating my life-style (literally not) and the fact that I don’t bloody know what to do with my life (read: not being the person I want to be) at sixteen! (too young!)
Comparing your life with somebody is possibly not a good idea, but having a benchmark is for me a great push from being plain mediocre to be somebody who can make a difference. To leave a good legacy is probably what we all aim to accomplish in this world. And I believe not everybody is given the privilege. And I refuse to be not included on the few fortunate list. Thus the reason why I am so effing dying to do something epic in life- and start it by making all my dreams come true (that is getting out of this place!). It all seems so easy, you think? Bloody no! Even a mere grasp is still beyond my reach!
…And so as the sound of the leaves swaying and the kiss of the cold wind wakes up my senses, and brought me back to reality, I am slowly consumed with thoughts of bitter truths of how life easily come and go. Looking through an almost empty street overlooking my window made me realize of how one person and one incident can easily leave us hanging- without a warning, and there’s no way going back but move forward….
Definitely I believe, we are shaped and are defined by our choices. My shallowness towards life can be irritating and non sense to many, but it echos my easy-going-attitude in appreciating even the most trivial and superficial things in life. Perhaps depressing over the past is too petty to be troubling when there are other more serious problems at hand, but the gist of this- which not many may understand- is breaking free from the grave events and circumstances in this world. Life in itself is already a serious business, and redundancy in dealing with it can be mortifying, so let’s choose the other way around. As I said, one wrong, clouded decision can change our lives forever. Nobody said, it’s going to be a walk in the park nor a stormy path, but dancing in the rain. The key is how you choose to react when things don’t go as expected.
…Rain started to fall, and the maddening silence was filled with drizzles and whoosh breeze. From afar, I can hear girls screaming and running in the rain. My seclusion and deep thoughts have been invaded. And as the rain came in a jiffy, so is its abrupt stop! Indeed a close metaphor to life’s uncanny certainties. There is no use denying, isolation is my best friend, and melancholia is my sedative. I am safest in my own little world, and my burgeoning thoughts, my comfort zone…
As another day has come an end, so are the negative feelings and unpleasant memories, which now belonged to the past. We may have stumbled and fall, yet what’s important is how we came out strong and courageous after it. Yes, life is about dancing in the rain. Whatever’s the tune, enjoying every sway is what matters the most. And it’s totally not bad to be moving like jaggers!
Indeed, I am always lost with my thoughts, and perhaps trapped in this place- for now, yet I still firmly believe, I am free and liberated in many ways! Freedom can be overrated. But whatever it is, being able to run easily, go crazy, and do things I deem want defines exactly what independence and liberty is all about. It’s priceless and essential. (Thankfully)
Laughing at life’s ironies. Undeniably, bittersweet.